I'm your wicked Uncle Ernie....

(Me at 9 year of age)

"I'm your wicked Uncle Ernie

I'm glad you won't see or hear me

As I fiddle about

Fiddle about

Fiddle about!"

--Fiddle About by John Entwistle

The first time I heard this song I went numb.

I had no idea others went through the same thing I did. And I knew you didn't talk about it - let alone write a song about it. But John Entwistle was a genious! This song in Tommy was a turning point in the Opera itself and in my life.

How do you write a song about childhood sexual abuse? You write it just like this. You write it bluntly and openly and in terms even a child will get. I listened to this song and all the things that had been done to me came back from where I had buried them.

I had an Uncle who liked to "Fiddle About" with little girls. He was also an Elder in the church we attended. Which made me hate religion with more venom than I ever thought possible. MyUncle was a pervert, yet he would stand in church and read scripture like a saint - and everyone said, "What a wonderful man!" But I knew better. He was a pig.

I wasn't the only one - he fiddled about with my sister, all my female cousins on my father's side of the family, and he even got handy with my mother. But not one of us ever said a word. He died and the secret went with him. He fucking ruined my life, changed who I would be forever and went to his grave keeping the secret. It makes me want to vomit that to this day no one has said a word about it. My sister and I have talked about it. My mother knows what happened - but no one else.

I desperately want to "OUT" him to my family - but then I wonder is it worth it? Who will believe me? 2 of my female cousins have had breast cancer - one lost her life to it. Since that was Uncle's favorite spot on a woman's body I can't help thinking that the guilt and the shame are what created the cancer. Maybe putting it down here will be enough.

I'm not sure anything will ever be enough.