You gotta have friends??

How many friends have I really got?

You can count them on one hand.

How many friends have I really got?

How many friends have I really got?

That love me, that want me, that'll take me as I am?

How Many Friends -- by Pete Townshend

Oh this is a tough subject for me. Over the years I have come to realize that the people I called friends when I was young never really were. That's a tough thing to admit but what I looked like was always, always a problem except for one girlfriend who never cared. So in fact along with my husband and my best buddy Paul I can count the friends I've had in my life on one hand ans still have fingers left.

I wonder is that normal. I've known people who seemed to know everyone, but was that fake? I had a best friend (I thought) in high school. We did everything together (or so it seemed) and when I took the time to realize what really was going on I figured out we did everything together if she was at my house - not when we were at hers. She never invited me to parties I always invited her. I always invited her to school functions - she invited me - umm - never. I've realized until I was an adult I never had a real friend.

In my 20's there was Linda. Probably the best girlfriend I've ever had. We dd do everything together. We were inseparable. She was a gorgeous thin redhead. I was a fat brunette with no self esteem. Being around her so much gave me self esteem. She stuck up for me, would fight with anyone who said anything about my weight. She was a true friend. Somehow, over the years we lost touch. On those days when I need a shoulder I still miss her. I miss her terribly.

Sometimes a real friend comes out of the blue someone you never expected to like. In 1996 Wayne and I went to Houston to attend a size-acceptance conference. I was persuaded to attend by a woman I knew online, DR. Now DR told me I had to come to Houston and so we went. When we got to the Hotel there was an excited message waiting on our room phone from DR telling us to meet her in the lobby as soon as we got there. So we went to the lobby and there she was sitting on a couch with a man I did not know.

After hugging DR she introduced the man next to her as a well known artist of big women. When I looked at him I felt a lightening bolt of attraction like I had never felt before. The weekend was difficult for me, this gentleman spent a lot of time staring at me, and it made me uncomfortable. I left feeling relief that I never had to see him again. But after getting home he and I started chatting online and I learned what a wonderful man he was and is. We became fast friends and we are still close today. So close in fact, I call him family. DR has since passed away but she introduced me to one of the most important people of my life and I will always be grateful for that.

I'm not easy to get to know - I know that but sometimes people persevere until I open up. I am always grateful when that happens. I am most grateful that my wonderful husband decided I was worth the effort.

I love you honey, and thank you for loving me.

My sister - the one I have - not the one I wanted.

"I've had enough of bein' trodden on

My passive days are gonna be long gone

If you slap one cheek, well,

I ain't gonna turn the other

Life is for the living

Takers never giving"

Had Enough -- by Pete Townshend

You want to talk about 2 sisters from the same parents who are diametrically apposed to each other? Yup, that's me and my sister. It's been so long since we've talked I feel like an only child and maybe that's a good thing.

According to my mother, the day I was born was the day my sister decided she hated me. When they brought me home from the hospital she wouldn't even look at me for weeks. My first memory of her is her yelling at me. My most vivid childhood memory involves her. She tried to kill me when I was about 8 or so. She put a pillow over my head and held it firmly while she laughed and I tried to breath. I felt myself passing out when she finally lifted the pillow. I left the room crying while she continued to laugh. To this day she denies it - but I know it;s true.

As I am writing this so many memories are filling my head - none of them happy. I just want to get them out and make peace with this. I used to hate my sister. I used to miss her terribly. Now, I feel nothing, which is a very calm yet bizarre way to feel about a sister.

Our fighting never stopped. As long as we lived in the same house we fought. It was horrible. My sister is a vicious person. She not only will rip your heart out but she will also have a need to throw it on the ground in front of you while she stomps on it over and over until she is satisfied she's hurt you enough. Have that done a few hundred times in your life and you stop caring about the person doing it - in self defense.

I was always in *protective* mode when my sister was around. I knew I was going to be humiliated, or hurt or hit by her at some point everyday. What made it worse was the fact that we were "latchkey" kids. Our parents were always working and my sister and I were alone a lot. I was her doormat, her punching bag, her scapegoat. She had free reign over me most of our teenage years and I spent a lot of those years battered and bruised by my sister. She abused me whenever she felt like it and took great pleasure in doing so. The longer it went on the more numb I became, I was just trying to survive.

My sister was the "pretty one". To this day I feel ugly in comparison to her. She was thin, blond and outgoing. I was fat, dark and depressed. It was easy to see who was the star in our family - she was. And even tho I was seriously abused by her I still wanted to be her for many. many years. She was fun - I was depressed, she was pretty - I was fat, she had talent -I was painfully shy, people loved her - I was hard to love. She did everything in her power to make me go away and she almost succeeded. I was invisible.

As adults, I hated her. I hated the way she manipulated men, my parents even her friends. When she got married it was one of the happiest days of my life. The abuse was over - I was 21. I no longer felt any family obligation to her and I never went to see her if I didn't have to, which infuriated her. I on the other hand had started my own path to recovery and I was no longer going to be her punching bag. I finally had enough.

Her first husband never really knew who she was. He only met the person she showed the outside world. I always felt sorry for him, she ruled him like a tyrant. Then after 10 years and 3 children she left him. She took up with some asshole who turned out to be a drug addict and an abuser. I figured in a very real sense she got what she deserved but her idiotic irresponsible behavior caused her first husband to jump into the bottle because he was devastated. And her second husband foisted sexual and physical abuse on her children. I'm not sure I will ever forgive her for that.

Her third husband I don't even know and I don't care. I don't believe a leopard ever changes his spots and I think this man is just another poor choice in a long series of them. We don't speak anymore and I'm OK with that. I made peace with that a long time ago. I just wish she would stop hurting my parents, but perhaps that's deserved too.

So, at 47 I still long for the sister I never had. I still wish I had family of my own but I also have made peace with the fact that I may never have that. I dream about the loving caring families others have and I wonder how that feels. I wonder what mutual respect in healthy familial relationships feel like. And I wonder - why? Just - why? It's all I can muster up as a question when I think about my family history. Why? But we all know there is no answer to that.

I sometimes think I am to jaded to really develop loving relationships with people anymore. I go into them fully expecting to be hurt at some point and so protective of myself that they usually fade away long before anything can really develop. I don't know how to change that and I understand if it's too hard for most. It's just as hard for me to even think about trying to chip away at that hard shell I built around myself.

Yes, I am lonely, more lonely than I will admit to anyone. I don't know how to fix it. I feel broken in so many ways.

It only takes a moment to change a person's life - forever.

"Somebody saved me, it happened again

Somebody saved me, I thank you my friend"

"I don't know about guardian angels

All I know abouts staying alive"

Lyrics to Somebody Saved Me - by Pete Townshend

There are moments is your life that are profound, ones that change you forever and help you heal very dark places in your soul. I had one of those moments this weekend, and by the grace of God and the love of a dear blessed friend the deepest, darkest pain of my life was lanced from my being by a few simple words.

I am humbled, again.

It was so simple, and so loving an act I'm not sure I can ever thank him enough. He has the biggest heart I have ever known and he and I are twin souls I truly believe. We read each others minds, know when things are going badly for the other and we have a deep, abiding love for each other that I know nothing will ever break.

He is the kind of friend most people never have. He is kind to a fault and I know if he could reach in and pull all the pain out of me - he would do it. This weekend he did just that - he pulled out the pain of my childhood abuse with one sentence. One thought, a few simple words. He allowed himself to be used to help me heal. How could I ever ask for more? How could I ever tell anyone how it felt? How do I ever repay him?

When he said it - I went into shock - I think. I couldn't hear anything but his voice, the rest of the world went dark. I was stunned into silence, then as usual, the tears came. I know he was confused - so was I. But before I left he looked me in the eyes, and in a very soft, sweet, tender voice said, "I love you." For the first time in all the years I have known him and all the times we have said, "I love you", I felt how deeply he loves me.

And again I was humbled.

Later that night, I figured out why what he said affected me so. I had - had a genuine flashback to some of the abuse I suffered as a child. And at the moment I realized what had happened, I believe that scar was healed. I had been given a gift by my dear friend. A gift no one else could give me.

Today, I am still a bit overwhelmed by it all. I'm not sure I will ever really understand what happened but I'm glad it did and I'm glad it was him.

My life is different today. In a split second you changed my life. I am blessed to have you in my life. I love you with all my heart. :)

Thank you, Paulie.